Being a “Coach” can be TAXING for self…
It’s like you are about to enter into a track, which is not only unknown, but also looks quite dark from the initial assessment
Do you ever play a role of a coach in life, be it in the capacity of a parent, friend, relative, spouse, or as a colleague, manager, leader?
If you are nodding, I’m sure you can connect with the quoted statement above.
Only after some formal years of experience as a coach, I discovered why few people are able to coach more effectively and successfully than others. Why few people feel completely exhausted and victimized themselves after coaching others, why some coaches themselves develop anxiety and other psychological issues… In nutshell, why “Coaching” can be taxing for self.
Here are my top 6 recommendations to make coaching sessions enriching for the coach as well, and feel free to add your wisdom too in the comments. In a world that is fighting more and more emotional break-downs and depressions… Let’s help make better coaches..
Point# 1 : Learn to dissociate
As a coach, not only it is important to look at the problem and people from a distance, but also, it is important to view them through different lenses. It is not possible to have these perspectives without getting dissociated.
Example : My daughter came and told me that a small boy hits her everyday in school, so she doesn’t want to go to school anymore! – I don’t have to tell you my first instinct ;).
Want to learn how to dissociate emotions with facts, people, events?
Point #2 : Being “OK” and “Non-Judgmental”
Everyone has different realities and value systems, these can be very different from how and what you think. As a coach, it is important to stop our conscious brain to process the information to decipher what is “RIGHT” or “WRONG” according to us. If we let it happen inside, our face or body will reveal it all.
Natural phrases like “ya… it’s very bad”, “o no, why did you do that?”, “You should not have done that, it’s wrong”, “Why did he get into such wrong doings?” etc. or shaking head etc. will only further give a sign to coachee that you are judgmental, which will close them down with fear of being judged.
Use of some intelligent phrases, questions and body language will help your coachee be more open and honest about the situation.
Example : I once had a coachee who was dealing with an extra marital affair that he had with a girl, and was in a fix what to do next. Divorce or be with his current family? – how can you be non-judgmental in this situation as a coach and still provide him with a solution that works best for him/her?
Want to learn how to talk without being judgmental or how to be “OK” with something that doesn’t match with your core value?
Point #3 : Asking intelligent questions
Asking right questions is an art which can take you to places in almost every sphere of life. But unfortunately, it doesn’t come naturally to everyone.
By asking the right questions, you can even turn around the mind of a toddler, let alone an adult.
Do you know, every advice that you give, can be converted into a question. Smart coaching include only 1% Statement and 99% Questions.
It’s like you just have to switch on the convection mode with right temperature and duration setting in a microwave, and the cake will be baked automatically (by the way, this cake is baked exactly according to your recipe).
For a coach it is the most important skill, because if we don’t ask questions – our brain will process the information differently, create unwanted assumptions, provide undesired advises, and completely hijack the purpose of coaching. Knowing too many unwanted details about the coachee’s situation can put your brain into a freeze mode, questions help directing the conversation to the right spot.
An example could be “Cartesian questions” – look it up on net, it’s very interesting 🙂
Want to learn some extremely intelligent coaching questions that fit almost everywhere, in any kind of coaching scenario? Want to learn the art of creating questions that are thought provoking and life changing for others? Want to learn how you can just ask questions without even knowing the content of the coachee, and yet resolve their challenges?
Point #4 : Attachment with the output – It’s not about YOU
This one is the most common symptom that I have observed as a major disruption for self.
Coach gets too involved with coachee’s outcome, so much so that he/she starts taking personal ownership of the coachee’s actions, follow up rigorously and keep nagging them till they succeed or retire. This does more harm to both the parties in either case – success or failure. If successful there is too much dependency on coach, if failure, it leaves the coachee with extremely low self-esteem and motivation, as there is a feeling of guilt attached.
Example : I remember a coach who said he lost all his confidence and got into a depressed state because one of his coachee couldn’t change his negative attitude towards life even after 6 months of regular coaching sessions. I could clearly see the frustration in the coach’s body language.
Want to learn how you can deal with this attachment? How can you motivate your coachee to take ownership of his/her own output rather than depending on you as a coach? How to choose the right coachee for yourself?
Point #5 : Confusion is a good state to be in
This is another reason, few coaches feel extremely frustrated and lose confidence. It is a standard expectation from a coach to provide solutions or help coachees get to a solution. However, not everytime a coaching session ends up with a concrete solution.
Intelligent questions can lead the coachee confused by end of the session, and confusion is a state which indicates that the conscious and sub-conscious minds are working towards finding a solution.
The need for a closure can often lead to dissatisfaction within the mind of a coach, but remember and repeat – CONFUSION is a good state to be in. If you give answer, the coachee will never be independent, however, leave them to find their own fish by telling them how & where the rod works, you’ll be surprised by their call within next few days of that session.
Neuro-psychology works here… brain doesn’t like keeping things OPEN, so it will constantly urge the coachee to find out answers and clarity, this will help him/her get more clarity, independence and a great solution.
Last but not the least,
Point #6 : The SOLUTION might not be what was in YOUR mind
After asking the intelligent questions, the translation that coachee makes, the solution that coachee finds, or the reason for the positive change in a coachee, might not be same as WHAT was in YOUR mind as a coach. You as a coach might feel there was more to your questions…
But end of the day, remember, what is important is – HOW YOUR COACHEE FELT… if he/she is satisfied, happy with the solution… that’s fantastic – your job is done as a coach.
In Summary
If you want to learn any or all the above aspects of coaching, alongwith 40+ coaching tools that are long lasting and fit into almost all life situations, you can join us in our next certification batch. Become a “Certified NLP Practitioner and Life Coach” and learn all of the above and much more.
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Please feel free to share, like and add your learning and wisdom as a coach in the comments. In a world that is fighting more and more emotional break-downs and depressions… Let’s help build better and more COACHES in our ecosystem.