When I laughed at myself!

As if coming from a lower middle class family wasn’t enough, the rich relatives were ALWAYS there to rub it in. I use to have only school dress or someone’s old clothes to wear on special occasions and was a laughing stock for a lot of distant cousins during weddings. Being the youngest one in the family, comparison with cousins was always on the spree… So ya, it was tough to survive with high self esteem.

It was a special occasion that night, a night before my cousin was getting married. We danced, had fun, and after we were tired, all the relatives were sitting in one room and chit chatting. An uncle as usual, suddenly took a pick on me, and said – “You should also tell your cousin sister to invite you to USA, at-least your life will be made through her, your parents won’t be able to support you.” I felt a heavy gush of blood flow in my head, when everyone stared at me with a smirk. I replied “No uncle, I will go by myself”… and everyone burst into laughter. He confirmed – “You said you will go yourself?” …. I was terribly embarrassed, ashamed and my self esteem was shattered in just those few seconds of laughter that I heard. With tears in my eyes, I got up and rushed back to my room climbing stairs, few floors away.

That was the time, I bet, people would have heard me howling from 20 miles away. My dad came from behind, put his hand on my shoulder, started patting, and let me cry for a few more minutes. After I was a little settled, he told me just this line – “If you felt so bad about it, take it as a challenge… show them that you WILL”. The words stuck to me for like next 10 years…. I slogged and slogged for great scores, great job, I earned and I studied more, I worked on an average 15hrs a day to earn more and get a status, I kept increasing the volume of those laughters in my mind, every-time when I thought things were not moving. The comments and laughters had become an anchor for me to stay awake and work even harder.

In next few years, I had a very high paying job, own house, own car, decent savings, got married on my own expenses, going abroad was a normal routine, these relatives were bestowing their love and wishes, and I was having my share of cheap thrills to flaunt more and more…

Life became better financially, I knew my dreams had come true… however, there was this constant rush in my mind, an unexplained uneasiness, a feeling of fierce competition with everyone at work, that never let me breathe in peace or have a day off.

The stress was taking toll on health. My close ones were more scared of me, I virtually had no friends and no time to share or express emotions, I started feeling like a robot at times. Looking back, I was proud of my accomplishments but not happy or satisfied. Something big was missing, I felt shallow from inside, and didn’t know what to do next because I had very few negligible challenges left in life.

That’s when my quest to learn sub-conscious processes started. After a series of self awareness workshops, psychology related courses, I learnt and experimented with tools on myself for quite some time.

There came one fine day – WHEN I LAUGHED AT MYSELF.

Yes, I understood what happened! I realized how I had created LOSING drivers to gain success in my mind.

I was being successful by drawing strength from “negativity”

Few of the sources of success energy for me were

  • “Taking up challenges from other people’s negative comments”
  • “Unconscious comparisons of myself with others”
  • “Constant race to prove my worth to others and a lot more such reasons”

After this awareness, a beautiful journey started for me to “Re-program my mind”.

I researched, joined related courses, workshops, experimented a lot on myself for years. People as well as I myself could notice visible changes in my demeanor, my relationships, my purpose in life. I use to often laugh at myself owing to all I had felt while attaining success.

And today, when I’m at an ultimate peaceful state, it’s my time to give back. I have found my purpose. Make people aware and teach them to re-program their brains and transform their lives.

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