INTRODUCTION
I have a best friend, we are celebrating 20 years of friendship. Our thoughts, hobbies, personalities were pole opposite, and maybe that’s why we were always together and enjoyed each other’s company. But apart from the deep soul level connection we shared, we always ended up in a bad spat in every few months/years. One of our spat went on for as long as 4 years! Gosh I badly missed her but still was so angry with her! I knew she wasn’t right.
I noticed a similar thing going in my dad and brother’s relationship. Both thought they were right!
Oh! And dont’ start about bosses :)… I always knew bosses were wrong and I was always right.
With subordinates – aaah… i know they don’t know as much as me, i have experience, so they better respect that.
Can you connect with anything written above? Do you have a person in your life with whom you share a connection, but you can’t just stand him/her?
You put all your efforts to get back in the right spirit of relationship, but just then, again you realise that you don’t agree and feel bad when you are around him/her. Sometimes, the relationship goes well with distance and occasional “hellos”, but when you get in touch again, you end up in a fight and emotional outburst, or heaviness in the heart.
You feel that the relationship is either – indispensable- or incredibly close -or at the soul level, but you feel burdened and unhappy with his/her behaviour. He/She could be your spouse, boss, subordinate, parents, childhood friend anyone!
THIS BLOG’S OBJECTIVE
In the last few years, I practiced consciously and figured an incredible formula. This formula not only helped me mend my relationships with the closed ones, it gave me a new emotional freedom. A freedom where I feel empowered and close to everyone I meet. I’m at a place in life, where I can confidently say that I’m incredibly in love with everyone I meet!
After reading this blog, if only, few of you could connect to this formula and try to apply it in your lives with great results… my objective will be met.
It is applicable anywhere – at work, home, institutions etc. The more you use it, the more you will feel the freedom and love it. 🙂
BASIC FUNDAMENTAL
This blog also include some simple empowering beliefs that can change the meaning and essence of your relationships:
Belief 1 : People CAN have different definitions of “Right” or “Wrong”
A big reason why we get into an argument is, when we feel we are right and the other person is wrong.
Now, to take it further, there are 3 big reasons why people view the same thing differently –
- Different societal rules and cultures : Example : A westerner might feel public hugging and kissing is right between a man and a woman, while our rural india feel it’s a sin
- Different circumstances: Example : A person under huge debt might feel that asking for money and favours is his last resort and is ok, while the others who are well nourished might feel that it is below dignity
- Different personality types: Example : A person might have an extrovert personality and feel that sharing personal information openly is absolutely ok, while the introvert one might feel its too personal and one shouldn’t share with everyone
Two common reactions :
NO. 1: We get in a passionate mode to make the person believe in our thought process, to prove our point, to ensure that the person moves according to us. The intention could be anything – “To make them realise that we are right always”, or “To make their lives better”, or “To make them realise their mistakes and make them better”.. etc.
NO. 2: We choose to ignore and sulk, vent it out else where, talk about how wrong the person is doing, but don’t tell him/her because he / she doesn’t listen and won’t understand.
Most of the times, its not only the content (What you are saying) bothers the other person in a conversation that turns into argument, it is largely about the process (How are you saying) that matters.
FORMULA I LEARNT TO DEAL WITH DISAGREEMENTS
There are three key basic constructs that needs to be set right. Let’s discuss these below :
1.Respect
We don’t know where the other person is coming from. What is there deep within them, which is making them talk something that we don’t agree with. We don’t even have time , need and patience to dig deep.
So the best thing we can do in this case is, to take a SHORT CUT – Just trust the fact that the person has the right intentions for himself at-least. And respect the fact that he/she is sharing some opinion.
Belief 2: : Disagreement doesn’t mean Disrespect
A fear that, if we say NO or disagree, the other person will feel that we are disrespecting them, , is very prevalent specially in Indian Culture.
I’m blessed to have a dad, who always encouraged a straight talk. Irrespective of any age I go back to – 6yrs till date. This discussion included how at different point in times, I felt he was wrong and he felt I wasn’t doing the right thing. He always listened to my point of view very patiently, respected it, stated his reasons and closed the conversation amicably.
But I’m well aware of our cultural nuance – where children dare to say NO to their parents. Disagreements meant being disrespectful.
Fact is that – “You can respect the other person’s point of view, state your own point of view, and can still agree to disagree.”
Language like below can help you use the above formula:
“I respect your point of view, what I understand you said is ………., here’s where I’m coming from ……….., you don’t necessarily have to agree to my point of view.
“Let’s respect each other’s point of view and see where we can find a common ground” OR “Lets’ leave it here and agree to disagree”, OR “Lets decide basis what is good for the larger cause”, OR “While we have given our point of views, let the decision authority take the decision basis what works best according to them”
The moment our intention changes in between the argument, to defeat the other person, or make ourselves look more intelligent, or to ensure that it’s my way or highway to show the power, it can be sensed by everyone else other than us through our tone and revengeful feelings.
In that case even if the decision goes our way and others agree, we lose some amount of respect. I’m sure you can recall some news journalist doing debates as an example in this case. Recently few of them just lost their respect due to this reason.
Another better way to make your point is to always align it to the larger cause or organisation. So your intent is clear.
2. Judgment
A yet deeper reason why we find it difficult to respect someone is our “Judgment” about the person.
Given below are few scenarios, notice what comes to your mind after reading each of them –
- We look at some old parents living alone, while the children have all the amenities to get them to stay with them, but that doesn’t happen.
- We look at a person who is in a lot of debt, but is smiling, jumping around with new clothes and phone.
- We read flaming e-mails from a person for small little things that can be usually ignored.
- A person is shouting at a lady for overtaking him.
- A child is crying blatantly in the arms of maid, and the mother rushes to office for an urgent meeting
- A person is non-stop just talking in the meeting, without giving a chance to anyone to speak
Our brain finds – all the above situations that we witness or experience – very stimulating and starts to process and pass on a judgment.
Some of the examples of the judgments we make are :
- “What an irresponsible and selfish person”
- “This person is so irresponsible and spendthrift”
- “She is a big drama queen”,
- “Oh! What a male chauvinist pig”,
- “What an irresponsible mother”
- “This person is so irritating and full of himself”
- “He is the most careless person I’ve seen in life”
Next time whenever these thoughts come to your mind, while talking to someone or your observations, here’s a counter empowerment belief that will come to your rescue :
Belief 3 : We are no-one to judge other person’s life or mental state. Let’s discount their intention.
When our brain successfully makes a judgment (specially a negative one), it becomes very difficult to “RESPECT” others.
Example : If I’ve already made a judgment that a person is a male chauvinist pig, I will not be able to “respect” him in any situation for anything.
So the best way to come out of this situation and experience the freedom of love is to “STOP YOUR BRAIN TO MAKE JUDGMENTS”.
Tell yourself –
Belief 4 : They have their own point of view, their own personality, their own way of living. We can reflect and make judgments on and for only ourselves
A famous story explains this beautifully : : The scorpion and the frog. A scorpion asks a frog to carry it across a river. The frog hesitates, afraid of being stung, but the scorpion argues that if it did so, they would both drown. Considering this, the frog agrees, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. It is in the nature of Scorpion to sting!
If I were the frog in the story, I would have weighed the facts and would have decided accordingly. Frog is the only one responsible for its outcome and let us refrain from making judgments for both scorpion and frog.
How do you refrain from making a judgment :
Whenever you feel you are about to or are making the statements that are sounding like judgments : : Reciting this belief no. 4 will help. Proactively work on this and you will see the magic happening.
Not only will you feel less burdened, but also, you will feel the freedom and happiness within you for being a good human being. Try it out!
3. Detachment from “the other person’s outcome”
I personally experienced and practiced this formula, and it’s just amazing how things in life become simpler.
There was a time when I had become very possessive about my parents. They were in a different city, but in my mind I had taken their complete responsibility. For their health, for their living, for everything they did, I felt responsible and took charge. Even if they told me about a little fever that they had, I use to start feeling helpless and scold them for not taking care of themselves. Would arrange for all kinds of medical tests, and make them eat all that was diet and different than what they were used to. It came to a point that they stopped telling me anything. I came to know later that my mom had an accident, but no one told me because I would have felt stressed.
Next time when we met, in one of our open conversations, when I was yelling at my dad for not telling me anything they went through, he told me how miserable he felt when I reacted to small little things earlier. I was taken aback. My intentions were good. everyone knew, but still they felt choked!
It was a warning call, I thought about it a lot and that’s when I realised that “I am and will never be responsible for what happens to them”. They are two individuals leading a life on their own terms with their own style. They take care of each other in the way they like.
Belief 5 : At the most, we can suggest, or help or provide resources, but after that what the other person do, is their life and decision and their consequences and we need to RESPECT that.
Yes, my being possessive for them and my behaviour to control them, was very disrespectful. I apologised and got back to normal life. I still love them, provide them with all my support and be there with them when they need, but now – I don’t control their lives!
Following your desire to “CONTROL” others and make them THINK, BELIEVE and DO according to what you think is “RIGHT”… is one of the biggest mistake we do in a relationship.
So as you can see, here we are back to our full circle.
Please send me your feedback through comments and likes for me to know your point of views and thoughts.
SUMMARY
In order to break-free from the burden of relationships, and move towards a freedom of love where every person you meet, you fall in love with, one needs to change some core limiting beliefs to empowering beliefs. Also, one needs to really understand the concept of“Respect”, “Impact of Judgment” and “Dissociation” with regards to relationships and freedom of love.